Forbidden Love
by Everything's BIGGER in Texas
Summary: At the birthday party, Jasper attacked Bella but the whole time he was fighting against it. When they all leave he comes back to apologise and finds the reasons he's truly glad he didn't get to her. New Moon AU OOC
1. Chapter 1 Rules and Boundaries

1. Rules and Boundaries

SOMETHING THAT I'VE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOD WELL WAS RULES AND BOUNDARIES.

They're there to tell us what we can and cannot do. Sometimes we like to fight those rules, when we see them as unfair or unnecessary, but ultimately the people who enforced them in the first place win.

Or they make you suffer and wish you had never opened your big, rebellious mouth.

Rules are there to protect you, supposedly, and boundaries exist to say where you cannot go.

_Do not use the elevator in the event of a fire…_ a rule for safety. _No entry past this point…_ a boundary to show that the place belongs to someone else.

There was one subject that was both a rule and a boundary. I didn't understand the rule; and the boundary—though it was to be expected—seemed too clean cut. That subject being, Bella…

The rule side: _Don't get to close to her. _The boundary: _She belongs to Edward… so don't get too close to her._

He covered her in bubble wrap and to everyone I looked like a giant needle. Sharp, dangerous and threatening to spill her blood.

I could stroke the fur on a living butterfly's wings but I was too dangerous to be around Bella.

_This is such bullshit._ I rolled my eyes as Alice buttoned up the light violet shirt she'd picked out for me.

"Jazzy, please try not to get _too_ close to Bella tonight. That cake's down there so she'll probably be the rose in the room full of trash. Scent-wise…" She toyed with the top two buttons, trying to decide whether or not to button them up; it took three tries before she finally resorted to a vision to check what would be better. I pursed my lips and looked around pointlessly while I waited for her to come back to now.

"Undone." she murmured.

_Could I look and _more_ like a preppy bastard?_ I looked down at my outfit as Alice turned away for a moment. She turned back with a thin, grey sweater in her hands. Ribbed on the wrists and slightly gathered on the bottom.

_Yes I could_. I took it with a small smile and pulled it over my head.

"Perfect." Alice smiled, satisfaction becoming her dominant emotion.

"Yes, you are." I said, smiling slightly wider.

"Not quite," she denied playfully. "Maybe someday."

"_So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?" _Edward's voice was now audible as Bella's ancient Chevy truck rumbled closer to our house.

"_You know what I want._" she replied quietly.

Of course he did, we all did. She'd made no secret of her desire to join our world and it really was only a matter of time. Unless you're willing to bet against Alice, which I am not.

"_Not tonight, Bella. Please._" he asked.

"_Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want._" she said hopefully, but also threateningly.

Edward's growl was easily heard as they came closer to the house, almost outside by the sounds of it. "_This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella._"

"_That's not fair!_" she snapped back angrily.

The frustration, determination and anger were close and strong enough now that I could feel it.

"Come on." Alice took my hand and quickly led me downstairs to the living room where the others were already waiting.

Rosalie seemed particularly upset; she and I understood each other better than any of the others in our family did.

Even our spouses.

She didn't like that Bella got to age, be human. It was unimaginable to her as to why she would want to give that up to be like _us_.

She and I were the only two with something to lose by being vampires. Her family had looked for her, they missed her and hadn't given up hope that she'd return. My family was the same, they wanted me to come home but I couldn't, they put up missing persons ads.

Alice was abandoned by her family when she was still a minor, a child in a mental institution for her visions. Edward lost all his family in the epidemic; he himself would have joined them if it weren't for Carlisle. Carlisle _became _Edward's family. Emmett was, and still is, laid back and goes with the flow and being a vampire is what happened to him. It never really bothers him. Esme willingly gave up her life then Carlisle found her and she had something to live for in this life when she didn't as a human.

It was different for her and I. Even after her parents died much publicized deaths her brother still held out hope and it wasn't until the last ten years that her picture disappeared from the missing persons list. The chance of finding an 84+ year old woman was considered low. Especially when she still looked eighteen.

Edward's laughing drew closer, knocking me out of myself pitying thoughts, as the front door opened.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" We all said in unison.

Embarrassment hit her like a train, her head dropping forward instantly. She looked around the room, disapproval and mild horrification as she took in the extravagant decorations carefully laid out by Alice.

Edward wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head, trying to somewhat sooth the shock. It did the trick.

Esme stepped forward first, extremely pleased to see Bella as always, and carefully hugged her for a moment then kissed her forehead before pulling away. Carlisle stepped over and put his arm around her shoulders in a less constricting hug.

He leant down and whispered in her ear. "Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in."

She pursed her lips slightly and looked behind him to Rosalie and Emmett. Emmett grinned widely at her, practically thrilled to see his 'favorite human' again. Rosalie was less expressive, probably because it wouldn't be an acceptable look on her face.

"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said teasingly. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella replied semi-sarcastically, her pink cheeks getting even darker.

He laughed and started moving towards the door slowly. "I have to step out for a second,"—he turned and winked at Alice, making it purposefully noticeable for Bella's sake—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone." he requested, teasing her once again.

"I'll try." she murmured.

Alice released my hand from the near circulation stopping grip and skipped forward happily.

I smiled at her too and right as I was about to move to follow Alice I heard Edward suck in a sharp breath, reminding me to keep my distance. I sighed and leant against the post at the bottom of the banister, settling myself in at a distance.

Bella seemed to be focused on me for some reason, thinking, judging from the small frown that tugged at her brow. She looked away after a moment, sadness but understanding acceptance present too.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared, breaking the momentary silence that seemed to stretch on forever. She grasped Bella by the elbow—a rather odd place to pull someone from in my opinion—and dragged her over to the table with the cake and silver wrapped presents.

"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"

"But I didn't listen," she interrupted, a smug and pleased smirk on her face. "Open it."

She took the camera out of Bella's hands and switched it for the first present. The stereo Emmett was currently installing in her truck from him, Rosalie and me. I could tell right now she wouldn't be pleased by their trapping her into using it by installing it.

Bella looked around self consciously then tore the silver paper off and stared at the brown box, the serial and design numbers stamped on the front. She shook it slightly, noticing the weightlessness of the empty box, only making her confusion even worse. She opened it and her eyebrows rose instantly.

"Um… thanks." She looked up with a forced, extremely confused smile.

The humor finally got to Rose and she smile too. I couldn't take it; I laughed and decided to take pity on the poor girl.

"It's a stereo for your truck," I smiled. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."

The predicted disgruntlement appeared; she glanced at Alice then smiled as the pieces worked together into her mind.

"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," She smiled gratefully at us, glancing back down at the box then to Edward. "Thanks, Emmett!" she raised her voice, unnecessarily.

Emmett laughed loudly from outside making Bella laugh too. He could, without a mood altering gift, still make most people smile when he did. Infectious happiness. I walked over closer now the mood was a little lighter, friendlier.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice practically demanded, thrusting the box towards Bella's hands, her excitement palpable.

_Uh-oh_. I felt like running away, anger pulsed out of Bella as she turned to glare at Edward. "You promised." she hissed.

God bless Emmett, perfect timing made him come bouncing through the door with childish excitement at that perfectly precise moment. "Just in time." Emmett pushed in behind me to watch. He smelt quite strange now after being in Bella's truck, Emmett with a hint of human. _How strange_.

"I didn't spend a dime." Edward promised. He brushed the strand of hair that had slipped down in her furious twist before when she'd turned to glare at him.

Bella sucked in a deep breath then turned to Alice, the strand of hair Edward had moved fell back down again. "Give it to me," she sighed.

Emmett chuckled with delight, pleased with her caving in.

She took the CD case from Alice and rolled her eyes at Edward while she slipped her finger under the edge of the paper.

I sucked in a breath as I was about to tell her not to do it like that in case she got cut but it was too late. Everyone else heard the wet sound as the silver paper sliced into her finger.

"Shoot," she muttered, dropping the present to check the damage.

The scent blew across the room quicker as she dropped the package, fanning the air. The burning ignited in my throat and the monster snarled in my chest.

_No, no, no._ I tensed and sprung involuntarily.

"No!" Edward roared.

He slammed his left hand into Bella, sending her flying over the table—collecting the cake, presents, flowers and plates as she flew—and onto the floor on the other side. The plates shattered around her, cutting her open no doubt.

I slammed into Edward's back; the air where he was standing was thickly scented with Bella's blood.

_No! Stop!_ I yelled at the monster, fighting for control. A snarl rumbled in my chest and I could feel myself losing, losing the control and—in a way—my sanity. The room turning a shade of tinged red as all I could focus on was the alluring, irresistible smell of her freely flowing blood.

I flung my head to the side and snapped at Edward's throat, fighting with him for the prize. She was a prize now, a meal, the monster was winning and I couldn't fight him.

Someone pulled me backwards, off Edward. Emmett, it had to be, no one else was strong enough to hold me now. I couldn't look away, my banquet was sitting just a few feet away, her skin already open. I fought against the grip he had, the iron strong, unyielding strangle hold he had on me.

Bella looked up, confused, so much had happened in the few seconds, too much for her human mind to follow. Her brown eyes were glazing over. I fought to get to her, while she was weak, now is the time.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." Carlisle ordered.

Emmett nodded and started for the door.

_No! Not away, I have to get to her_. I struggled harder, turning to fight him off me. "Come on, Jasper."

Rosalie stepped in front of me and pulled me forward as Emmett pushed behind me. Her face was smug; she knew it would happen, like she'd told me before. She always thought it would be Edward.

She pulled me out, past Esme who was holding the door open, and then Emmett threw me far across the yard, out into the untainted air.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." Esme cried, joining us out in the fresh air.

"Go!" Emmett pointed off into the forest. "Get control."

In the clean air I was fighting back again. She was just inside, on the other side of that wall. Bleeding, weak, vulnerable.

"Jasper!" Esme pleaded, shame coming out of her in bucket loads that she too couldn't stay with Bella. "Don't do it." she begged.

I fought the monster harder, forcing myself to turn. I rigidly walked the first few steps, breathing heavily to clean my lungs. I looked off into the dark forest then jumped over the river and ran, away from the house so I couldn't hurt her.

_She's still alive, she's still alive, I didn't kill her, I didn't get to her. She's still alive. _I chanted over and over, shaking my head at inhuman speeds to clear the thoughts of hurting her from my head.

_This is why we have rules and boundaries._

:*:*:*:

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	2. Chapter 2 Slipping

2. Slipping

I RAN FOUR MILES BUT I COULD STILL FEEL THE DISPAIR OF MY FAMILY.

"Jasper." Edward's voice spoke behind me. I cringed away as another wave of guilt hit me, he and Alice came out of the trees slowly. _This would explain why I couldn't escape, it was physically following me._

"I hate this!" I growled. "This _weakness_! This inability to be as strong as the rest of you. Tell her I'm sorry, please." I looked at Edward; he portrayed nothing, no hate, no anger, nothing. Just a steel faced look. I looked back at the ground and shook my head, trying to literally shake out the memory.

"Okay." Alice murmured.

"Edward, I'm sorry." I whispered.

"I know. It was inevitable, if it wasn't you, it would have been me. I don't know if any of you would have been able to hold _me_." he said quietly in a complete monotone.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse?" I questioned, looking up from the ground again.

"It's meant to be the truth, whatever you take from it," he sighed, suddenly he was totally resigned. "I'm going back." he announced and ran off in the next second.

"Go with him." I murmured, turning around to face the tree.

"I'll be back soon. Don't go far, Jazz." Alice put her hand on my back for a moment then ran off back towards the house.

_My God you're an idiot! _I smacked my palm into the tree and walked further away, into the forest with the other instinct driven animals. _What's wrong with me? I've had two hundred years to get this right and one nick sends me lunging across the room in attack_. I growled with frustration and continued at a faster pace.

A part of me knew I should wait for Alice but the flight instinct was too strong.

I ran.

I ran south until I got to Montesano. It was late now; almost all the humans were at home in their safe, warm beds.

Unaware that the most dangerous thing lurking in these streets wasn't a masked robber.

I am far more terrifying.

Real monsters don't have six eyes and webbed feet. They look just like everyone else, that fact alone makes them truly deadly. Never suspecting your enemy.

"She trusted me. Not to hurt her, with her life in a way." I said under my breath then cringed away in shame.

All the years, all the schools, every human I'd come across; they'd all been the same. Tempting but resistible. I would have thought very little of it if I had have slipped up with one of them. I never did dwell too much on it even when I had an indiscretion or two. Perhaps it's because I knew this one, I knew her story and my family loved her.

_Stop acting like you've killed her, she's alive._ My dark side sneered behind the plastic wall it was barely contained by, furious that I'd missed the opportunity. It was never far, there in my past, there in my present—more than likely there in my future, too. It was Maria's Jasper, thirsty and searching for nothing but instant satisfaction. The one with ruby eyes and dark clothing that used his gift not to calm but to sedate and feed.

Simply pick a target and knock them out with a lethal dose of lethargy.

Oh how Maria would have loved to have seen me do sicker more evil things to my victims. Getting rid of the newborns when they lost their strength was like a spectators sport for her. Watching Peter and I from a distance as we dismembered and burnt our former allies got her all hot and bothered. Usually leading to a night of twisted and animalistic sex between the three of us.

"Jasper." Alice came up behind me as I stood almost motionless on the edge of the water by the dock.

"I'm sorry. I had to run." I turned to her for a moment and saw her understanding face.

"I know. She wanted me to tell you she's not mad at _all_. She knows it was just a mistake," Alice said comfortingly. There was no doubt in my mind that the _she_ was Bella. The girl with no sense of self preservation or fear of danger. A rabid vampire attack didn't scare her.

"You don't know what to do?" Alice continued.

"What should I do?" I asked passively. _Someone please just tell me what to do, what's the right thing to do?_

"Will you come home?" she asked quietly.

"I doubt I could stay there," I shook my head and looked down at the water swaying below us, the ripples bounding up and down the concrete wall. The moon light didn't do much to light up the town but I didn't need it. Even in a completely lightless place I could still see. Everything was lightless now; I'd taken away the candle light that was keeping me out of darkness, giving me hope. "I'm slipping, Alice."

"Do you need to hunt?"

"Not what I'm allowed to." I murmured. Alice had always enjoyed and embraced this style of life, it was a choice she eagerly raced towards and jumped into whole-heartedly. For the three or so mistakes she'd made since we became committed to this vegetarian lifestyle I'd made twenty-five per her one kill.

"Take a few deep breaths, it'll pass." She put her small hand on my arm encouragingly.

"It's not the scent that's driving me this time. It's instinct and desire for human blood." I explained. If she could understand that she might grasp how difficult merely _standing _here when I was surrounded by easy, sleeping victims. But ease wasn't important to me now; I wanted the fear, the chase, the screaming and running. The monster was pissed and wanted out of its cage.

Alice sighed and clutched my hand, weaving our fingers together. "I should have been closer to you."

"I wouldn't have heard you over my thoughts." I shrugged; nothing could have broken my focus after those first fate determining seconds.

We stayed silent for a long time, just staring out over the water. Both of us deep in thought.

"He's going to do something, I can see the plan formulating but he hasn't completely decided yet." she whispered, breaking the silence with her curiosity.

"Hunt me down and kill me?" I guessed.

"No but what he's planning just ends in darkness," Her forehead creased then her jaw dropped and she went blank. "_No… _no, no, no, _no_! He can't be thinking straight." Alice had her phone out in one second flat and it was ringing a moment later.

"_Alice?"_ Esme's voice asked softly on the phone.

"He left his phone at home?" Alice guessed.

"_Yes, why?"_ she asked. _"I could go to him if it's important." _

Alice sighed and shook her head as she declined. "No, it's all right. He already knows."

"_Okay… how is he?"_ Esme asked in a more hushed tone but I could still hear clearly.

"He'll be all right." Alice reassured her then muttered a quick goodbye and hung up.

Silence began again for a minute as she searched through the future and gasped a few times before dropping her head. "Edward's planning on leaving her," she whispered. "Then it gets dark, cloudy."

"Why?" I asked.

Alice laughed once. "It's Edward, he thinks he's doing her more bad than good. But he's currently the only thing standing in the way of the world picking her off. It won't work."

"Well go tell him that, show him." I suggested. She didn't move, totally conflicted.

"I can't leave you, come with me, stay at home with the others while I talk to him." she asked almost pleadingly. Alice knew better than anyone that my instincts still ruled most of my actions and if one was telling me to feed on my intended prey that it would be just a matter of time. Although, her faith in my good side—her Jasper—was strong, unfaltering in its intensity and devotion.

I shook my head and walked further down the dock to the end, Alice walking just behind me until I stopped and sat with my legs dangling over the edge. "I can't go there with the disappointment they all hold now. It would be crushing. I'll stay here for as long as I can, if I leave I'll go north-east." I said, not looking up from the water a few feet below me.

"Please go to Alaska, you'll find it easier if you're with others like us. They won't judge you." she asked softly. Her thin fingers racked over my scalp softly in a calming gesture, gently tugging on the ends to release the tension.

"I don't want an audience." I closed my eyes and tilted my head back into her touch. Her fingers massaged and scratched my head in the ways she knew I liked then tilted me back a bit more and leant around so she could kiss me. It started off slow then moved to a deeper more needing kiss. I put my hand on the back of her neck and pulled her harder down to me, her emotions still said it wasn't enough; she needed me and I wasn't doing something to give her what she wanted. She slowed the fast motions and pressed her lips hard against mine for a long moment before pulling away and sitting my head up straight again.

"I love you and I believe in you, even if you yourself can't find a reason to. I'll be back soon, Jazz." She pressed her palm to my cheek and stroked it with her thumb then ran off into the night.

I watched as the moon started to drop further down, almost looking like it was going into the sea. The next day had come, and although it wasn't even light yet I knew it was going to be a dark one.

:-:-:-:

As the sun started to light up the sky Alice returned carrying a backpack and a duffle bag.

"He is such an idiot." Was all she said before sitting down beside me.

"He's still going to leave her?" I asked, my voice sounded foreign after hours of avoiding thoughts at all costs. I'd glazed my eyes over purposefully and stared out over the hypnotically moving water until my thoughts washed away like the driftwood that passed every now and then. The sound was harsh in a way.

"He's going to _protect_ her. The others are packing up too, in the words of Emmett: _Little brother is having a tantrum and we all have to play nicely. _I tried to explain what he's starting but he won't believe me, he says if we're not there she can live a human life and be happy. Happy's not what I saw," she said sadly, frustrated, too. "You haven't changed your mind about heading up to Alaska." she asked and stated at the same time.

"No," I shook my head. "I really don't need a _team_ right now. It's my fight, and I don't need cheerleaders."

She nodded with understanding then looked back out over the water. The sky above was a bright orange color hinting that rain was sure to come later, but we wouldn't be here for that, people were waking up and coming outside.

"Shall we?" Alice got to her feet and picked up the backpack from beside where she'd been sitting.

"I can't promise you we'll go back to the others any time soon. I understand if you want to stay with them, there are a lot of things you can't help me with and it could take a while." I picked up the duffel bag and swung it over my shoulder casually.

"I'm not objecting to a bit of one on one time with you." She smiled sweetly.

I nodded and smiled for a fleeting moment then we walked back down the dock and around a few deserted streets before we hit the forest and took off at a run.

:-:-:-:

We ran back up state to the eastern side of Seattle then stopped hunt. I gorged myself on way too much blood to the point I could hear the excess sloshing around inside me when most of the time the blood is instantly absorbed and although it causes a full feeling it was never like this.

I had well and truly over done it and yet I didn't feel even slightly better or satisfied. The craving for human blood was just as strong but my body wouldn't take more liquid.

"Better?" Alice asked as I tossed away yet another deer carcass.

"Yes." I lied.

"Do you want to talk?" she asked, looking up at me from her perch on a small rock. She cocked her head to the side; the little spikes staying angled out making her look like an adorable puppy.

"No," I shook my head and wrinkled my nose slightly to further brush it off. She was my sunshine, my little ray of hope, no matter what I did she always accepted me back with open arms telling me it was all right and I'd get better at it. "I lied. I don't feel better." I confessed, saying the words quickly. _And I won't._

"It'll pass; do you want to go somewhere more secluded? There are a lot of scents here." Alice looked up at me with her newly lightened eyes sparkling, holding so much love for me.

"It doesn't really make much difference, we both know what will happen if this craving doesn't go." I looked back at her with grim acceptance then down at the ground.

"Do you want me to stop you?" she asked under her breath.

I opened my mouth to speak but didn't have the words. If I wanted it badly enough she wouldn't be able to, but I wouldn't want her to just let me go and fail. I'd failed once this week, I'd lunged at Bella when everyone else could walk away. Even Edward.

"If you can," I whispered. "Don't get hurt trying to stop me if I lose control. I'd rather kill a human than hurt you when you're trying to contain me."

"It's really hard right now, isn't it?" She asked, snaking her arm around my waist supportively.

"When I jumped for her it woke up everything you managed to sedate. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take this." I dropped my head between my knees and cringed away from the thirst that was still consuming me.

My mind wandered back to the night before, visions of Bella's arm sliced open and all that blood pouring down the pale white skin, going to waste. The darker side of me growled and it wasn't until I felt a hand on my back that I realized I'd actually growled out loud. Only, the hand wasn't one I recognized—it wasn't now—because now I was back in last night, fighting against Edward. All the chaos was back.

I snapped around and grabbed the wrist of the hand touching me and, before I could register that it wasn't twelve hours ago, I slammed Alice back onto the dead leaves around us. For a split second she was a competitor for Bella's blood and that was all it took for me to pin her down.

She didn't resist, she just fell back and gazed up at me impassively.

My breathing was hard and fast, panting, as I remained frozen over her—staring in shock. I loosened my grip instantly and continued to look in horror at my wife underneath me.

"Alice…" I gasped in a whispered, fear choking my voice.

"Shhh, it's okay." she cooed soothingly, slowly sliding her hand out of my loose hold to put it on my cheek.

"I'm so sorry." I murmured. Not daring to move. _Oh fuck, oh shit._

"It's all right." Her thumb brushed across my cheek and under my eye then she pushed her hand further around my head and pulled me down to her body.

I slid one hand under the small of her back and the other under her head then buried my face in her neck.

"It's going to be fine. This is just a rough patch." she whispered, stroking my hair gently.

I wanted to believe her but it didn't feel rough, it felt slippery and I was sliding fast.

:*:*:*:

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	3. Chapter 3 Finding Guilt, Losing Faith

3. Finding Guilt, Losing Faith

IT HIT THE ONE WEEK MARK OF OUR NOMADIC LIFE AND IT WAS CLEAR THINGS WERE GOING TO TAKE A LOT LONGER THAN I HAD ANTICIPATED.

Of course, we couldn't hunt _constantly_ so it left a lot of time for thinking. A lot of time for dwelling and obsessing.

_Is it possible that working out my problems is causing me more problems? This isolation is killing me!_

I looked over at Alice; she was digging in the duffle bag in search of one of the battery powered phone chargers she'd bought. Her hand resurfaced, victorious in its mission, and she plugged in her cell as it once again made the low battery noise.

"I'll go to Alaska." I whispered. We were both relatively filthy and in need of somewhere with hot water and electricity. The craving for human blood had only intensified over the past six days. Going near any living human at this point was too big of a risk for even me to justify taking.

"Really?" She looked up with a smile. "I didn't see—"

"I just decided." I explained.

"Okay, I'll call and let them know we're heading up." Alice said happily. Her hope soared.

I hadn't mentioned anymore of my unsatisfied appetite but she could tell by the way we were moving further and further from cities that it was getting even harder on me.

I nodded and looked back down at the ground beneath me.

The one thing that I would only admit to myself and I would most certainly never tell Alice was that the blood I was craving was that of her best friend. I doubt any human blood but the one that made me lose control would satiate my thirst. It was what the darker side of me wanted, what the monster was obsessing over behind his thin barrier of cling film. He was fuming, his red eyes glaring at me—glowing from the shadowy part of my mind that he habitated.

That me—the one that existed in Texas all those decades ago—always had red eyes. So it was only natural that the entity in my mind would, too.

"We'll go straight through Canada, avoid the bigger cities. Okay?"

The monster roared in my head, knowing that by going through Canada she actually planned to avoid _all_ cities if possible. And all temptation.

"Okay." I nodded in agreement. Somewhere inside me—where only I could hear—the monster let out a defiant snarl then sunk back into the shadows. Biding his time.

:-:-:-:

"Kate, leave him alone." Tanya sighed, walking past the open door of the living room on her way down the hall.

Kate had become quite helpful over the past three days, talking so much that she managed to tune out my thoughts and whenever I wasn't listening or she _thought_ I wasn't she'd shock me back to life.

Literally.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" she asked under her breath, playfully smiling.

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. "Nah."

She smiled wider and continued her story about the girl's most recent trip to Anchorage.

"You know, I've told you a hell of a lot of my stories and you haven't told me even _one_ of yours." Her golden eyes turned accusing; she raised her almost invisible blonde eyebrow and prompted me further with a wave of her hand.

I sighed, giving in, and she adjusted herself on the sofa in excited anticipation. "Does it matter how it ends?" _Most of _my_ stories aren't humorous with laughable endings._

"Not really, although I don't think regaling me with tales of death and destruction will help you feel any better." She shrugged, sweeping a lock of her corn silk blonde hair behind her ear.

"Nineteen sixty-two—"

"Oooh, _the sixties_." She put her middle and index fingers on her right hand up in the 'peace' sign.

"The _sixties_!" I mimicked her enthusiasm, rolling my eyes as she giggled. "Emmett, Edward, Rosalie, Alice and I were at this desert festival—"

"_Edward_ went to a festival?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yes he did, because Emmett literally dragged him. Are you going to keep interrupting?" I asked as she opened her mouth yet again.

She mimed zipping her lips shut then tucked the invisible key in my jacket pocket.

"Okay, so we were at the festival and it was night time—obviously, we were outside in the desert—there are all these weird people everywhere. Dressed in God knows what and drunk as, oh what's the expression… possums? Well we; Edward, Emmett and I, turned around to find Rosalie and Alice had somehow gotten—"

And that was when a tiny hand clamped over my mouth like a vice.

"Somehow gotten that angry that we_ pulled_ Jasper's tongue out of his head," Alice finished in a horrified hiss of a voice. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked in a sing-song tone, glancing at Kate who was still smiling.

"I az ellin a stor-ry." I mumbled into her hand.

"Not that one." she ordered.

"I fawt yoo were out wiv Irina and Cahman." I turned my head towards her slightly, raising my own hand at the same time to prise her fingers off my skin.

"I was but not only did I get a vision of _this_ occurring, I saw something else that I have to talk to you about." Her voice was steady but her emotions were regretful and even a little fearful.

I stood up and pretended to take the imaginary key out of my pocket. "Well, you're going to have to undo the locks yourself." I 'dropped it' into Kate's waiting hand, both of us smirking.

"What locks?" Alice asked, looking at both of us like we'd grown extra heads out of our shoulders.

"Kate likes whips and chains." I said deviously.

"Have you been reading my journal? That's _private_!"

"I don't need to," I laughed. "It was a joke but you just told me."

Her mouth fell open and complete and utter embarrassment filled the room an instant later. I could have calmed her, made her relax, not stress about it or over think it, but it was too God damned funny.

"Bye, Kate." I waved over my shoulder as Alice and I walked out into the hall.

"You tell anyone anything and I'll, urg!" she growled quietly.

The Denali's house wasn't as large as most of ours, each of the girls had their own rooms with Carmen and Eleazar, and Irina and Laurent sharing. Then there was the living room, two bathrooms and the kitchen/dining area that had been changed into a library/den set up.

Alice and I turned into the first bathroom; she shut the door and leant back against it. "I know." she whispered sadly.

"Know? Know what? What did I do?" I racked my brains for anything I could have kept secret from her.

The last secret was her anniversary gift and she's had it now anyway.

"I've seen what you were planning, how to slip away while I'm not paying attention so you can hunt," she explained. We both knew what she meant by _hunt_ and it wasn't animals. It was true, the thoughts and plans had crossed my mind but I hadn't acted on them.

"Just… do it." Alice dropped her head forward, nodding in acceptance.

"Do it?" I asked disbelievingly. _Is she telling me to go and kill someone?_

"Do _you_ think the thirst will go away if you don't? You haven't been this fixated on human blood and resisted since we started this diet. I've pretended that I didn't see it in the hopes that it was just your imagination getting away from you, but," She rubbed her hands over her face and looked up to my eyes. "The fact you didn't just defend yourself tells me you don't think you're capable of continuing like this. Do it, then come back and we'll work on building your tolerance back up."

My eyes dropped down to the floor, Alice had officially lost faith that I could resist this. My beacon of hope was dimming. The fact that Alice now didn't believe in my will power was the final push.

"I'll be back… whenever." I muttered.

She nodded, sitting back on the edge of the claw foot tub.

I turned slowly and walked out of the bathroom, back down the hall to the front door.

"Hey!" Kate called, flitting down the hallway to join me.

"I'm really not looking for a pep talk or distraction."

"I know," she nodded solemnly. "You will come back though? You know, for a zap." A small smile tugged at her lips as she touched her fingertip to my hand, shocking me lightly.

I nodded, reaching for the front door. "Of course." I promised.

"You weren't even going to say goodbye, you're such an asshole." she laughed quietly.

I nodded regretfully. "Unfortunately. Bye, Kate."

"See ya." she waved her fingers twice, watching me leave.

"Oh, and your secret's safe with me." I whispered back to her right before I shut the door. Her low growl erupting as I walked away through the snow covered yard.

:-:-:-:

I quite literally tracked down the first person I could, no preliminaries, just walk up, grab and bite. As the hot, salty blood flowed down my throat, growls deep in my chest from the pleasure it was giving me after so long, I couldn't help but think back. September thirteenth, when my obsession with human blood, one humans blood was unleashed. The smell of Bella's free flowing blood was relived in my mind and suddenly this body wasn't any more appealing than your average grizzly. I sucked it dry anyway, blood's blood when it comes down to it.

The guilt that usually claimed me after a slip didn't make an appearance. Maria's Jasper was starting to shine through, conscienceless, cold, calculating.

"Pull it together, you pussy," I growled to myself, sitting beside the dead street walker.

How am I meant to pull something together when the pieces don't fit? I don't fit anywhere anymore. _I've got to get this back under control before I lose everything._ Maybe I already have, my family, Alice. My self-fucking-dignity was well and truly shit on then set on fire.

Suddenly, I was mad, extremely mad. Mad at Isabella Swan for being such a clumsy, danger-attracting person that couldn't open a birthday present without hurting herself.

Irrational, yes, so what?

My entire life was hanging on from a thread because she'd been stupid enough to get a cut in a house full of vampires. Did she really get _that_ comfortable that she thought it all right to _bleed_ around the lot of us?

"Just shut up," I sighed to myself.

I'm losing everything because I failed to maintain enough control not to spring across the room like a maniac, not because she did something that anyone could have.

"What do you think?" I looked down at the corpse beside me, eyes still open. "Do you think I've got self control issues?" I asked, answering myself with a look at the teeth marks on his neck. "What's that? I'm one hell of a fuckwitt? Yeah, tell me about it," I laughed once and looked away from the dead body. "And what do I do now? Rampage through a few major cities sounds nice don't you think? Kill a few, save… no one."

I looked up at the black night sky, the stars were behind the clouds but still visible in a few patches where the thermals had blown the clouds away to make clear sections.

Let's review, Alice doesn't believe in me anymore, I don't believe in me anymore, Edward hates me for driving him away from the first person he ever loved, Rosalie thought it was somehow sadistically funny. _Bitch_. I'm sure Emmett's furious. Esme…

And I had to stop there; Esme would be the worst to think about. At least Edward had some bizarre self righteousness to make him feel better about leaving her—that he was doing her a service by removing himself from her life. Esme would feel nothing but sadness.

Again I had to stop. I could practically feel it now.

Her pain would _not_ be the worst though, come to think of it, that spot would be reserved for Bella. Bella, human Bella who still had real feelings, real emotions. Her real heart could break and I'm sure that's what Edward did before he left her. _When_ he left her.

If I hadn't have jumped at her, if I'd have had the same amount of control as say, Alice or even Edward, we'd all still be there. If anything, it might have convinced Edward that we weren't as horrible a second family for her as he thought. She would have turned eighteen like every other human and the world would have continued on.

Another outcome, Edward would have seen how simple it was for her to hurt herself and might have become more willing to change her. _No, if that were the case he would have changed her after the party._ I sighed a draw out breath, folded my legs together in front of me and hunched over. _Would it have been so bad if I had have simply bitten her? Changed her?_

Maybe I should, go back to Forks and bite her, and then what excuse would he have to leave her? To save her soul? It wouldn't be so easy to leave her when she could search forever.

What an interesting conversation. "Hello, Bella. Yes, stop crying, I have a plan… What? No, my plan is not to kill you, how would does me sinking my teeth into you intentionally sound… Well I'm not sure if I could stop but who's up for a game of chance? Oh good, tilt your head to the side… CHOMP!" I snorted a harsh laugh. Actually, Bella would probably go for it seeing as her self-preservation was left out when her chromosomes came together. She may have fallen into a massive hole or taken a walk and been attacked by a bear, already, just her luck.

Bella Swan: escapes rabid vampire attack, killed by large ditch.

How would _she_ feel towards me? Alice said she understood and she didn't blame me. Of course she didn't, she probably expected it, too. And that made it worse, because it was probably true.

I looked up to the sky again; the clouds had moved and covered the stars once more. I was surrounded in darkness. And guilt.

The darkness I could live in, I had for years, but it was the guilt that I wasn't used to. The guilt would tear me down and I had to get rid of it. The only way I knew how.

I quickly mangled the teeth marks on the man's neck so it wouldn't show up as anything more than a massive wound then got to my feet. I started for the place that would take away my guilt. I had to apologise to her, for ruining her life and everyone else's.

:*:*:*:

Sorry this one took so long to get out, internet issues, I'm sure fellow net users understand that.

I tried to be vague on the whole human killing thing seeing as SM wasn't big on murder details, sorry for the possible gross factor.

Review please :)


	4. Chapter 4 The Darker Side of Me

4. The Darker Side of Me

"Aaarrrrghhhh! Aaarrrrghhhh!"

That was the sound that greeted me when I reached Chief Swan's house in Forks.

Bella screamed again. Louder.

"Bella, it's okay." The gruff, half asleep voice of her father attempted to soothe the fear that was almost bringing me to my knees even from this distance away from the house. Even the fear, horror and terror of my victims wasn't like this, this was like someone was watching their family being doused in petrol then set alight, whilst they were all still alive and conscious.

Sobbing. Hysterical crying was the next sound to take over.

_This is what I've done, what my actions had started._

"It's all right now." Charlie murmured.

How long had this been happening? Every night? Every couple of nights? He didn't seem too alarmed by the screaming so my money would be on the earlier guess.

I could only imagine the horror that awaited her in her dreams, a place that _should_ be reserved for childish fantasies. A place where nothing bad ever happens.

I gritted my teeth when another—extremely powerful—burst of fear touched me. She was reminiscing about her nightmare, and the truth behind it. That had to be it, she was utterly terrified and there was nothing there with her now to cause that.

After a few more minutes Bella's emotions began to come under control and her crying slowed to irregular panting shudders.

"Are you okay now, Bella?" Charlie asked rhetorically. She clearly was _not_ all right, she was hurt. Badly. Anyone could see that, but he was obviously desensitized to it now.

"Mmmm hmm." she hummed her reply and I heard the bed springs squeak when she lay back down.

"Okay… well, try to get some more sleep." he suggested before leaving, stumbling loudly back across the second floor landing.

It was about two am now and everyone else in my former neighborhood was fast asleep. They were all happy and warm in their beds, not that I really cared about them. The one human here that I did care about wasn't happy and in a way I was spiteful to the rest of them for being able to have simple things like an unbroken night's sleep.

I crept closer to the house then around to the front where Bella's window was located, on the second floor. Her light was out but the short gasps, racing heartbeat and gut wrenching emotions told me she wasn't asleep in the darkness.

In a way I was intrigued, was she the mere shell that—if emotions were indicative of physical appearance—she should by all rights be? Or was she just an extremely heartbroken eighteen year old girl who was under the impression that no one loved her? Either way it was tearing her—and now me—apart to feel such pain.

Rejection is a sensation I'd never really experienced as a vampire, in our world it was rarely something in the middle. All or nothing, when we change it's permanent so no one ever really feels rejected because if they want it they go after it.

And by God does rejection hurt.

"Please just let it be a dream." Bella mumbled through her tears.

_I wish I could make it that. It all seems like a horrible nightmare to me, too._ I looked up to her window and apologized to the wooden frame with my expression, every ounce of remorse I felt was coursing through me then out my tensed eyes and furrowed brow. My breathing became labored and I felt strangely _heavy_, the full weight of everything came crashing down now I was back in this real life version of Wonderland. Nothing was as it seems or was meant to be.

There were vampires here, real vampire but not the types from the fantasy novels. No, these vampires were more unconventional than just the lack of fangs and sparkles rather than instant death when in direct sunlight. In this land, vampires didn't kill people; they lived on animal blood, freaks among the freaks.

Whether Bella knew it or not, her childhood friend was also a member of this confusing world. The Quileute boy, Jacob, grandson of Ephraim Black whom we originally made the treaty with.

It seems like you couldn't escape it here, your vampire friends skip town and if you know where to look you can just climb right in with the giant wolves. And of course, Bella's father—probably a danger magnet too—chooses to become best friends with the family right at the heart of it all.

It will always be a dream in this place, a very warped and highly unbelievable dream.

The deep breathing in the bedroom slowed even further and the emotions dulled some. She was going back to sleep. I climbed up into the tree a few meters from her window and sat back in the deep foliage of the branches.

_I'm a stalker_. I mused in my thoughts.

The way the curtains were pulled across I couldn't see anything but Bella's feet, covered in the thick, purple blanket. She seemed to sleep more soundly in this attempt at resting. It probably had something to do with the thorough amount of screaming she'd just done to vent her feelings.

I was tempted to calm her, but that would be interfering, and after the extremely harsh phone call Alice had received from Edward on day three of our nomadic life, I wasn't going to in any way alert her to my presence. His broken voice shouted over the phone that Alice was to stop looking for Bella at all in her visions and we weren't to go anywhere near her. He wanted her to continue on with her life like a regular human girl.

But Bella wasn't a normal human, she was something different. She handled the completely fucked up things that only our mythical world could produce with finesse but shuddered and cringed away from the thought of dancing. She stared death in the face and did nothing more than grit her teeth in preparation of her imminent demise but the idea of having attention paid to her on her birthday was worthy of panic.

Although. Bella was always good at reining in her emotions. If that's what she's doing now then I couldn't imagine what the full extent of her feelings would be like to endure. If I was only feeling the edited version that she couldn't control, what she was experiencing would be shredding her apart.

The heartbeat coming from her room slowed considerably more over the next few minutes until it joined the pace of her fathers. Slow pounding. _Ba-bom, ba-bom, ba-bom, ba-bom_...

It was hypnotic.

The hours passed slowly, finally I managed to spend a considerable amount of time without thinking. To truly clear my head after obsessing and analyzing like a mad man for the past ten days was actually pleasurable.

The sound of Bella's father getting up for work snapped me out of the blank hole. The sun was slowly rising and around me the sounds of early risers was beginning. Kettles boiling, televisions playing, showers running.

And from Bella's room… nothing. She didn't seem to have any intention of going anywhere.

Was her pain that great she was bed ridden? Has she really done anything other than scream and cry, had she even gotten _out _of bed since Edward left?

Another hour. Charlie had left for work, not noticing my statuesque body in the very top of the tree beside his cruiser, and many of the neighbours did the same during that time. And still Bella remained asleep.

By nine o'clock I knew she wasn't going to school. The typical rain of Forks started to come down, quickly soaking me in the already waterlogged tree where I too remained motionless like Bella was in her bed.

At nine thirty I heard her heart rate pick up and I knew she was finally waking up. But then, I wished she hadn't.

She changed positions, judging by the way her feet changed angles anyway, and sucked in a deep breath. It was silent for about thirty seconds, the time it took for her to orient herself, and then it began. She remembered everything and the crippling pain blazing off her was like nothing I'd ever felt. It _hurt_. It hurt my indestructible body in a way I imagined that only the violent death that our kind looked forward to would feel.

It burnt, crushed, squeezed, pulled, tore, stabbed, stretched and twisted. How she wasn't writhing on the bed in agony was beyond me, I was doing just that in the most restrained manner I could. I wanted to yell but I couldn't.

I slipped down the tree and took off for the forest at a full powered sprint. The only thought that registered in my head was that I had to escape that; I couldn't be around her when she was conscious. My intent was to apologize but how do I do that when the only time I can bear to be near her was when she was out cold?

Forks was wet but it wasn't cold. I needed the cold to soothe the flames burning in my chest; it was like thirst, only more intense.

I raced back North, to Denali and Alice. I certainly wasn't after Bella's blood anymore; I couldn't possibly hurt her more than she was now, that much was certain. Did Alice see this? Did she know what I would see and how it would affect me?

:-:-:-:

It wasn't too long before the ground and trees were covered in snow again then I found myself surrounded in the scent of the Denali's. I was almost back. The aching was still fresh my mind and muscles as I burst through the front door.

"Where's Alice?" I asked Laurent, the first person I saw when I got into the house.

"I'm here." she mumbled from the den.

I turned around and walked in there, shaking off the remainder of Bella's emotions in the softer climate here. "Why?" I asked, she knew, there was no way she couldn't.

Alice closed her eyes exhaled a long breath. "So you would know." she murmured. I could hear myself panting, like the running had bothered me even a little bit. _So I would know? Know what? Know what I did?_

"Thanks, I couldn't have continued on oblivious to her pain. Thank you, Alice! I'm _eternally _grateful!" I threw my hands in the air in frustration as I spoke, walking back towards the door then spun around to her again. Indecisive on what to do now, she purposefully sent me off to kill a human, knowing I would go back to Forks to apologise to Bella.

"No!" she growled.

I turned back to her once more. "What?"

"No, I did not let you go there to see her pain. Do you think I'm that cruel? I let you go so you could see that it wasn't you that made her like that, it was Edward. He made the decision that left her like this, not you." she said firmly, her eyes pinched into an angry glare. What did she have to be angry about? Now she's angry, what, for me separating her from her best friend? What's next? Rose hates me for making her lose someone to be jealous of?

"I ATTACKED HER!" I yelled furiously, how could she not see the truth? "_I_ attacked her, _I_ gave him a reason to leave, _I_ put the final nail in the coffin of Edward's belief in the dangers of our family. Why would you _do_ that?"

"HE CHOSE TO LEAVE!" Alice yelled back, exasperated.

Then everything went silent.

Everything.

I stared at her pitch black eyes; she was completely lost in frustration and what little tolerance she had left for me. She stared back at me, mirroring the same unblinking intensity. _He chose to leave, no matter what I did, it was Edward that chose to leave her. He could have sent me away, stayed with her himself, but he left. _He_ left._

"He left." I realized.

"He left." Alice repeated with a relieved sigh.

I made a mistake, I lost control. But no one forced his hand, _he _left.

"_He_ left," I whispered. "It's not my fault. He left."

"It's not your fault." she agreed quietly, observing me as I paced backwards and forward across the width of the room. Edward left, I made mistakes but Edward chose not to stick with Bella through them, he left her all alone to think he doesn't love her because I made a mistake. I made the mistake that made him feel the need to protect her by removing himself…

"It _is_ my fault." I amended my previous statement.

"No!"

"Yes. I put her in danger, it's my fault!"

"NO! It's not, it is _not_ your fucking fault!" Alice wailed. She never swore, she just didn't, it wasn't in her DNA or something because she just doesn't. But she did, and then I knew.

She was _mad_.

That's what all the silence between us had meant, she was mad at me for blaming myself.

"You've been moping around like a middle aged man for the past week and I can't stand it anymore! You know full well how much I love you but if you don't do _something_ to make yourself feel better soon it's going to send us both down. Jazz, please, I've tried but you have to help yourself. Please," Her rage dissipated in a fraction of a second, so fast I was left reeling, and she stepped the few paces forward to close the distance, wrapped her arms around me at the same time and pressed herself firmly against me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry. It's hard, I know."

I felt myself crumble too, I yelled at her, again. "I'm sorry, too. I can't control myself sometimes. Obviously. I didn't mean to yell… I need you to believe in me, because I can't believe in myself now." I pulled my arms free of her iron grip and wrapped them around her. There was thirteen inches of height difference between us but when Alice yelled I still felt about four inches tall. When _I _yelled at her it was even less.

"I always do, I can see the good in you." She rubbed her hands up and down my back soothingly while the electricity in the air faded.

"Then why can't I?"

"We never see ourselves clearly."

_Or maybe no one else ever see's us for the animals we really are._

I sighed loudly and nodded, hoping that she was right and I wasn't as bad as I thought. But the human blood in my system, glowing in my eyes, begged to differ.

:*:*:*:

Eternally sorry about how late this one is. I'm having trouble figuring out how to proceed without starting a massive shit storm.

Thank you to all who have put this story on their alerts and reviewed. If you would be so kind as to give me your thoughts again…


	5. Chapter 5 Trying

**Don't waste perfectly good tomatoes by throwing them at me. I'm not worth it. Throw stones instead :P Wait, no, that would really hurt. **

**I'm a horrible person, I know, it's been like three years since I updated but here's the next chapter. **

5. Trying

"Red."

"Blood."

"Pink."

"Skin."

"Blue."

"Lips or bruises, take your pick."

"Jasper, you're not even trying!" Kate snapped impatiently. Word association. It was her idea to get my mind on more positive things. "Fine, let's just get this part over with so maybe you can actually attempt to help yourself. White, Black, Orange, Yellow, Green, Purple."

"My teeth, fear dilated pupils, the color of blood stains after you wash it three or four times, involuntary bladder release after death, the grass in which I often hide the bodies, and bruises yet again from my strangle hold." I rattled out the first things that came to mind from those colors.

"There, now make an effort. Please." she huffed. "Ball."

_Ball joint, easy blood-letting. _"Baseball." I answered.

"Beach."

_Salty water, salty blood. _"Sand."

"Concert."

_A vampire supermarket._ "Music."

"Italy." she said, more relaxed and 'Kate-like' now.

_Italian, Beautiful, Bella._ "Volterra." I sighed.

"You're really not into this, are you?" The question was mostly rhetorical seeing as how clear that fact was in my expression and hunched over posture.

"I appreciate the effort." I put as much genuine appreciation into my tone as I could. She had tried, relentlessly, to help.

"Did it work at all?" She waved her hands around as she spoke, her typical bubbly smile now working its way back onto her face.

"Hmmm," I shrugged and nodded once. "Didn't hurt."

She reached over and poked my leg as I got up from the floor, shocking me lightly. "Did that?" she inquired smugly.

"It tickled." I teased.

"I'll give you 'tickled'." She wrapped her hand around my ankle and put me back on the floor with a sharp zap. "How was that?"

"Urg," I stared up at the ceiling in a slight daze. "You should get a job in the emergency room. Portable defibrillator."

"And I would explain that, how?"

"I'm just the idea's man; practicality can be someone else's field." I flexed my body after the shock had crumpled me from the inside out. Her record was still unbroken it seems. Even Emmett couldn't stay standing when Kate _tried_ to put him on his back.

"You're a really bad idea's man when they can't possibly work." She shocked me again and giggled.

"You're such a sadist." I mumbled.

"Thank you," She continued to laugh, amused by my current inability to stand. "Coming from you that's almost a compliment."

"Why?"

"Because no one can out-brood you, you think I'm sadistic so I must be at least a little more twisted than your usual pain inflictor." Kate explained.

"Ah. So being called mean by someone with as much experience with that as I have…"

"Is a compliment," she finished. "So are you going to tell me what happened down there?"

I knew what she was referring to. My visit to Bella, _down there_ in Forks. "Nothing. I sat outside and she screamed."

"You didn't go in?"

"No." I muttered.

"So what was the point of going down there in the first place?"

I thought about maybe telling her my intention, to apologize for what I'd done. But then it would be out in the open that I failed in doing something as simple as apologizing. And I didn't want another failure on my record. So instead of replying, I asked her a question. "Kate… why do you like me?"

"Hmmm," she sighed. "You remind me of my best friend when I was human. Milos. He was much like you are, especially with the whole emotional thing; and I was as I am now, a generally happy optimist. Somehow, we managed to be friends despite our differences and almost non-existent list of things in common. He always believed that behind anything good was a shadow and a monster was lurking within that, where as I believed in silver linings and light in even the darkest of places. You and I are the same as Milos and I. You know of the bad side, the pain and sadness; while I remain oblivious by my own choosing."

"You were a succubus." I reminded her.

She nodded in agreement then shrugged after a second of stillness. "Either part of the act is natural; I really don't see why it needs a name but yes, I used to have sex with humans then kill them. As a vampire it's expected that I would kill them, but I really didn't see the harm in having a little fun beforehand."

"I've done it too, Kate."

"I gathered. But that's why I like you, you're a realist and I can't be. I suppose it's some kind of magnetic thing, two things that are the same can't be together without pushing apart eventually. Tanya, Irina, Laurent, Carmen and Eleazar are my opposites, too. That's why I like them," She smiled cheerfully. I sat up once again, nodding as I did to show my understanding of her logic. "So why do _you _like me?" she asked after another moment, cocking her head to the side a little.

"You're pleasant to be around emotionally and your personality is nice as well. You're easy to be friends with."

"Naw." she cooed humorously. "You act all tough but really you're just a head-case with a soft side."

"How nice of you to say."

She laughed at my tone. "I try. So why don't you?"

"Why don't I what?"

"Try."

I had tried. And failed. So it wasn't on the top of my priorities list to try again.

"Look," She leaned forward and clasped her hands together. "Sometimes we fail but you know what? You know where you went wrong the first, second, third... _tenth_ time and you don't do it on the next try. If you keep trying you'll get it right."

"Some things are out of my control. No matter how many times I try it won't affect what I can't change." I explained.

"What can't you control?" she asked.

"When I went to apologize, the pain was too much for me to bear while she was awake and I don't think an apology counts when the person is asleep."

She laughed once, loudly, and then reached over and smacked me in the head. "You've got to be joking, right? You _left_ because her pain was too much? That's the very reason why you should have stayed!"

"I should have stayed to drown in her heartbreak?"

She reached over and smacked me again, harder. "You can feel everything she's experiencing, correct?" She didn't pause long enough for me to even nod before smacking me again. "You can _affect it,_ too, moron! You should have helped her! You should have stayed there!" She smacked me again. "Are you getting the point yet?"

I opened my mouth to agree but she whacked me again. "Understand?"

"Yes!" I shouted before she could swing again.

"Thank the lord! It's shocking, huh?" She zapped my ankle again for emphasis.

"Okay, okay, you've gotten your point across."

She slumped forward rubbing her forehead, relieved that she'd finally succeeded. "Four days and twenty thousand therapy sessions later and we have a breakthrough. Good work. I'm gonna recommend reducing your sessions to once a day instead of every hour on the hour. That'll be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, thanks."

"I'd hardly class it as a breakthrough,"—I dodged another whack to the head—"A breakthrough would mean I was in some way helped or cured of a problem."

She swung again but I caught her hand and placed it back in her lap. "Think about it, Negative Ned, it is a breakthrough because if you can muster up enough courage to face the scary little human again you can both help her and seek forgiveness. Hello end of guilt trip, it's been swell but it's getting real old real fast."

I smiled a little. She was entirely right about the last part, maybe not the first but I'm certainly not going to shoot down the prospect. "You are aware that by Edward's rules I'm not allowed anywhere remotely near her, right?"

"She's not Edward's anymore; he has no say in the matter. I love him, he's my cousin in the ways that count, but he is prone to exaggerating the severity of things and overreacting in general. The world doesn't have to be as hopeless and dark as you and Edward see it. Stop being such a... such a weasel! You're continuously trying to get out of everything these days. What happened to the skinny, silent type that I used to know and partially forget about who ran towards the problem?" She shoved me in the shoulder this time rather than whacking me in the head. "Toughen up, man! You let bloodlust and fear conquer you. Be a man!" Shove. "Be a real man!" Shove. "You can do it!" Shove. "Cut his fucking head off!" Shove.

"What?" I frowned deeply, staring at Kate; she giggled and waved her hand dismissively.

_And I take advice from this woman?_

_I'm so screwed..._

:-:-:-:

"It is difficult at times, this diet," Laurent commented.

I looked up, a little taken aback; he hadn't been around very much and in the times I had seen we kept a respectful distance.

"Um, yes. It can be." I agreed. With bright red eyes, there was little point to saying that it was simple at any stage.

"Irina told me about your past, she says that you fought in the Southern wars at one point."

I nodded affirmatively. "It's been the better side of a century but yes. I was created during that time."

"I myself stayed away from the southern states during that period. It's much more civilized now but still... I've found that taking unnecessary risks will only end in disaster."

Again, I nodded. The den fell silent once more and I looked back down to the half incorrect history book.

It was a few minutes before he spoke again, this time in a much more inquiring tone. "It was Edward's mate, Isabella, whom you had a slip with, yes?"

I nodded slowly. "Yes."

"And she is dead? Or one of us."

"I didn't reach her, she's still alive. Human." A strange sense of partial relief came over me then. I hadn't thought of that fact in over a week despite my obsessively constant thinking about it, and my visit to her. It was still surreal in a way, she was _alive_. "Why the interest?" I asked, glancing back over to him.

"No reason, I was just curious about how it is you came to be here." He smiled in an attempt to portray his supposed innocent, but a dim sense of treachery was smothered somewhere under his friendly facade. He was yet to gain my trust and this conversation wasn't helping that. "You seek her forgiveness, yes? You... visit her sometimes?"

"I don't expect anything of her. I would like to apologize but it's not a very realistic plan. No, I don't visit her." _I just stalk her from a distance._

"Tsk, tsk. Such difficulties are the reason why our kind should refrain from forming attachments to creatures so much weaker than ourselves. It is kind of like the humans and the ants, while the ants far outnumber the humans they are still too weak to live among them. It is inevitable that they get crushed. An unnecessary risk, eventually ending in disaster... For the ants at least."

I stared at him for a long minute. This was clearly his not so subtle way of disagreeing with my actions. "Perhaps the humans ought to be more careful," I suggested. "The ants are strong; with a little more care I'm sure they'd be just fine."

"It is a lot of trouble for an insect. There's billion's of them, they're expendable." He smiled once more then looked down to the encyclopaedia he was reading. Ending the conversation.

Whether he was talking about ants or humans was still uncertain, but I knew this vegetarian life wouldn't suit him for much longer when he lacked the desire to preserve human life that was necessary.

:-:-:-:

"I'm going to hunt, I need to get some animal blood in me so I don't feel so..."

"Icky?" Alice offered.

"Not the word I would use but yes. It's strange to have human blood in me now." That wasn't exactly true and she probably knew it but didn't argue. Human blood in my system was filling and refreshing. I felt stronger and my mind was clearer than I had felt it in years. Though right now that was a bad thing because it made recovering memories easier and all my most recent memories were bad ones. Clarity was definitely not what I needed now.

"It was just one time; your body should filter it out fairly quickly once it's diluted." She leant up on her toes and pulled me down to kiss her goodbye. It was over too quick for her I think but she still didn't say anything. For some reason, that irritated me but I did the same as her and swept it under the rug that was fast becoming lumpy with all the things we didn't say to each other anymore.

I pressed my palm to her cheek and stroked my thumb over the slightly darker skin under her eye. "I'll probably be back before dawn, bye."

She smiled fleetingly and nodded. "'kay, bye."

"_Leaving again without so much as a _kiss my ass_. Well fuck you, too._"

I chuckled once, turning my head towards Kate's room. "Sorry, kiss my ass, Kate."

"_Likewise, Asshole. I hope you have a really bitchin' time_." she quipped.

Alice laughed as well this time and humor started reaching me from the others around the house.

"Bye." I repeated to Alice then walked over to the front door and out into the crisp, cold air.

_I try. So why don't you?... Why don't I what?... Try..._

If I was going to try I would have to be sharp and focused. Animal blood would have to wait. For the second time in as many days I ran south, going back to the pain. My entire _life_ was going south right now.

The time flew by—faster than the speed I was running. In the blink of an eye my mind had somehow navigated me straight to Forks without even the slightest hint of conscious attention having been put into the task. I was grateful for the mental fog that seemed to linger despite the enhancing of human blood; it may well have saved the shred of sanity I held onto, as well as stopping me from changing my mind.

I reached the house and happily found that Bella's window was still left unlocked and opened soundlessly. When I slid the weather worn frame up her scent hit me like a battering ram, of maybe a cement truck would be more accurate since it literally knocked me to the ground. Flash after flash of the God forsaken party just eleven days ago burned through my mind as I lay on the wet grass under her still open window. I realized I'd been granted a small mercy when it hadn't come crashing shut after I dropped suddenly from the second story of the house.

_Try again_. A soft voice whispered in my head.

Taking it as a sign that I was indeed meant to be here, I sprung back up and agilely slipped through the window.

I stood up from my crouched landing position on the floor and shut the window. I had to lock myself in here so I'd be forced to stay for more than half a second in the pain that still radiated dimly behind me.

One more cautious and shaky breath, one more moment to solidify my focus, one more glance at my reflection in the window.

Then I turned around and came face to face with the girl whose blood had reawoken a long sedated predator. She was sleeping, vulnerable, impossibly weak and human in her bed.

The monster snarled in my head and dropped into a crouch.

I'd made a very big mistake coming here now without anyone to save her nearby. Taking unnecessary risks will only end in disaster...

:-:-:-:

As ever, let me know what you're thinking, or wondering, or ate for breakfast.


	6. Chapter 6 Lying

**A new chapter in under a week. Could it be a new world order?**

6. Lying

I HADN'T FELT THE EFFECTS OF TARGET FIXATION IN OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS.

My eyes refused to move from the fragile human in front of me. It was _so easy_. She wouldn't even feel a thing, she wouldn't see it coming, and not a sound would be made. The perfect kill.

Charlie Swan was already collateral damage. That didn't matter now, without his daughter there would be no family to miss him.

The slow thumping of her young heart filled my ears as I stood motionless by the bedroom window. _Ba-bom, ba-bom, ba-bom, ba-bom_... The steady double beating of her heart continued behind her thin bones; it was aware that those beats were numbered. I could even hear the rush of blood leaving one chamber and filling another, happening almost instantaneously.

_Ba-bom, ba-bom, ba-bom..._ I listened, my mouth filling with venom.

_Do it... Do it now... It's time... _The feral version of me encouraged from the dark recesses of my past. I had encompassed all the features that made me that way once more. Primal thirst, the blazon red eyes, searching only for instant gratification with very little to no regard for who it affected.

Again, I inhaled her scent purposefully. Normally that would have caused pain but now it didn't. It was good. Because it would just be a few more moments before I could taste the rich sweetness for myself.

_I want you to do it... Do it now... I want you to kill her..._ I felt a cold breeze push past my ear as if someone were whispering over my shoulder. I knew the voice well. This was her predator after all.

I could hear Maria now, egging me on like she so often had before.

A low snarl began in the back of my throat. I turned to look at her but only found the window. And my own reflection.

I stared at myself in the dark glass. The shadows looked more pronounced around my eyes and below my cheekbones in this light, disgustingly so. It was something like a house of horrors image being shown to me only this one wasn't fake. Even with the faint mist on glass of the window I could still see the slightly luminous glow of my eyes. The illumination was part of what I was, another weapon to see in the dark so no one could hide in any place, no matter how far away or how dim the light.

Of course, Alice had another theory. Involving silver linings and positives in the negatives. She believed the glow was just that, a glow, a light in the shadows that proved there was something good there.

_What a crock of shit!_ The monster barked viciously.

A sound behind me caught my attention. The sheets moving. _Bella_ moving.

My eyes moved away from my reflection and watched hers in the glass. She was just turning over, lying on her back rather than her right-hand side. It was such a human thing to do, fidgeting. She was just a human, an ant, really. The ants are strong and live just fine if you're a little more careful. Had I have been a little more careful she would have been just fine.

I cautiously turned to face her again but this time I didn't allow any focus on her heart or the beating—that was now a background noise.

She sighed quietly and lifted her arm out from under the blankets, placing it over her head.

Fate was definitely punishing me now. That much was unarguable. The arm she had unconsciously curved around her head was the one currently still bandaged to protect the healing wounds left from my first attack.

I shook that thought from my head. By calling it my _first_ attack that indicated that I planned another. I would not allow myself to hurt her anymore. In hurting her I also hurt everyone around me; my whole family was affected by whatever I did to this girl.

_Try again..._ The soft voice whispered persuasively.

I moved a few silent steps further into the room. There was another scent mixed in with Bella's, one I recognized. Edward. Surprisingly though, this worked in my favor; it gave me a little more control. Exactly what I needed right then. Control.

I surveyed the room as I walked. This was the first time I had been in here despite more than half a year spent with my wife practically mainlining Bella's household foot traffic. The idea that I might spend any time with her—which would have also desensitized me to her scent to a certain degree—was apparently so ridiculous that it never even came up.

The general color scheme seemed to be blue and purple. Brown, wood furniture and faded paint on the walls.

Scattered around the room were dozens of books and the odd CD case, all of which looked untouched recently—judging by the fine layer of dust, imperceptible to humans, that was settling on most of the covers, anyway. It vaguely reminded me of Edward's bedrooms. Books and music. They had a mutual love of those things it seemed.

Assumedly, that was the reason why she had stopped using them. The memories must be too painful. Or I was correct in my previous thought that she was partially bedridden from the pain she felt when conscious and couldn't bring herself to make the effort.

I stopped a few feet away from the bed. Now the haziness of bloodlust was fading out I paid more attention to her appearance. She was definitely thinner, paler to the point she looked ill, and a dim smell of tears hung in the air close to the bed.

Surveying the book covers on her bedside table, I saw one without a title. It had a dark blue padded material cover with a matching fabric rope loosely tied around the cover.

_Her diary_. I realized, then noticing the pen on the floor a few inches under the bed—probably having fallen there at some stage.

My curiosity piqued at the insight it probably held of her thoughts. Her head was such a private place that even Edward couldn't look into despite his previously infallible gift.

I slowly moved over and picked it up then stepped away to the worn rocking chair in the corner. I couldn't justify invading her privacy so I didn't try, but I also knew that unlike her blood, I couldn't resist. I opened the cover and found that she'd only gotten this last year when she moved to Forks. There wouldn't be very much about Phoenix, no illumination to her life before us. Just now. After.

I turned to her last entry, _September 16_, eight days ago.

_Dear Diary,_

_He's gone._

_So is the rest of his family. Maybe if I didn't feel so dead I might  
be in more pain, but I'm numb. And somehow, that hurts._

And that was it. Three lines before the pen had slid off the page and left a line below the final full stop. She had shut the book so soon after that, that the ink hadn't had a chance to dry and was copied onto the opposite page when they'd been pressed together.

I flipped through the earlier entries; it seemed to be a timeline of her and Edward's relationship.

Beginning with the move here and ending when he left. I noticed she hadn't bothered to write in it on the night of her party, it took three days for her to say something so it went straight from her theatrical mourning of her birthday to what she deemed the end of her life.

_Alice was right. Darkness._ I closed the diary and put it back on the table exactly where I had found it and then sat down cross legged on the floor by the bed. If I was ever going to be able to stand her emotions when she was conscious I would have to get used to them when she was sleeping first.

She rolled over so her face was towards me and for a moment I thought she'd woken up, but her heart rate was still slow and even as well as her eyes being completely still under the lids. My muscles slowly unlocked and I breathed a sigh of relief.

What I would have done if she had woken up was beyond me. Maybe if I'd stayed completely still she would've mistaken reality for a bad dream. After all, in her reality my eyes were golden. She probably wouldn't even entertain the idea of them being red with human blood in her waking thoughts.

If that wasn't the case and she'd realized I wasn't a dream I most likely would have knocked her out with lethargy before beating a hasty retreat, running as if she were some kind of threat to me. I chucked once under my breath at that thought. Even with a flame thrower she wasn't a threat; in fact she'd more than likely end up burning herself.

A wave of panic started to seep from her all of a sudden and her eyes began twitching and darting around under the lids. The rapid eye movement phase of sleep, when dreams occur, was beginning and judging by the chokingly thick air of fear forming around her it wasn't a pleasant one. Her forehead creased and she jumped a little, causing her hand to flop out from under the blanket. It was now lying straight out from the bed in front of me. The bandaged section directly in line with my face, of course.

Fate's way of making me suffer just that little bit more. My increasingly present guilt added to the depression concoction of feelings in this room.

I stared at the bony limb for a long moment. Tonight was cold, for humans, and she would end up with a half frozen arm in a few minutes if it was left out from the warmth of her blankets. The obvious solution was to put it back under. _Very, _very_ carefully_. The soft, encouraging voice added.

At the thought of touching her the venom pooled in my mouth, her scent was alluring as all hell but the idea of touching her—feeling the warmth of her skin against mine, blood pumping under the thin membrane covering the artery on her wrist—was enough to dilate my pupils with desire. My mind started getting away from me and I found myself slipping into that place in my head where darkness reigned once more.

I became hyper-aware of her warmth and pulse at that moment. Hyper-aware of _everything_ around me. My eyes were locked on the area just below her thumb where her blood bounced under the surface. I could probably even taste a hint of her blood on the skin there without even biting if I sucked a bit.

_Enough!_ I clenched my teeth and roughly turned my head away to look at the door to my right.

_Pull it together, you're not picking up her hand with your mouth, your teeth won't even be anywhere near her._ I stretched my head from side to side, shaking off the built up tension and the idea of putting my lips on her skin.

Once I regained some distance to my thoughts I looked back. This time only seeing Bella's arm, not all the veins and arteries it held. Small goose bumps had begun to rise on her forearm in the cold air; in a few more minutes she'd surely wake up from the eventual discomfort to pull it back into the warmth. Then I'd really have to consider what to do should she see me.

_Okay, easy, don't throw her into the wall._ I reached up and tentatively picked up her hand using just two fingers, my thumb on one side of her wrist and my forefinger on the other. I folded her arm back towards her chest and under the covers again.

It was much easier than I had imagined touching her would be. In the first few days after the party my mind had been an uncontrollable place of fantasies, scenarios on a constant loop of what it would have been like had I have gotten to her. The numerous ways I could have killed her, the way she would have tasted, and how her blood would have felt running down my throat.

The thirst was unquenchable because it wasn't just blood I craved.

It was her blood. I had become plagued by thoughts of the burgundy liquid flowing down her arm and it wasn't until I felt the agony that my attack had caused that I was able to completely wipe away that craving. Feeling the consequences of my actions had stopped me from wanting to finish what I'd started.

The guilt had actually done me a favor.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." I whispered. I tucked the blanket under her a little, just enough that her hand wouldn't push it away and allow it to fall out once again.

"Edward…" she breathed in her sleep. I whipped my hands away from her and froze. It was so quiet on this rainless night that the sound was like screaming when in actual fact it was below a whisper. _Oh shit._ _She woke up._

A tense few seconds passed. _She talks in her sleep, Edward said that._

"E-Edward…" she stuttered. She was nearly _crying_ in her sleep. Because of my actions, even in her dreams she couldn't escape the sadness of her life.

"I know, you want Edward." I sighed. _Would it be _that_ terrible if I gave her a decent night's sleep?_ It was against his rules to interfere with her life, but as Kate had so correctly pointed out, she wasn't Edward's anymore. His rules didn't apply.

"Please… please… d-don't," she pleaded.

_Oh, what's the harm?_ I shuffled closer to the bed and leant back against the small table, proximity made my gift more effective and I had more control. I calmed her down first; making whatever dream she was having seem less heartbreaking. Once her breathing was slow enough that she wasn't heaving irregular breaths through her mouth I gave her a little happiness. It took a lot of focus to actually form happiness now, the last time I'd felt it seemed to be a distant memory from decades ago, despite it being less than a month.

"Alice," Bella smiled the barest amount. The little twitch in her lips made me smile too. A bit of happiness started coming back to me now, it was like cool breeze in the middle of summer, I wanted to strip off and run around naked in it. I could breathe now. "Emmett," she groaned, frowning. "Idiot."

"You got that bit right." I sniggered under my breath.

I waited for her to speak again but that was it. Occasionally she'd smile and I'd get the urge to bathe in the happiness again, but mostly we both stayed silently relaxed for the next few hours.

It seemed like the sun just materialized all of a sudden. I didn't even notice it rising and before I knew it I had to sneak back out before Bella's neighbours started waking up.

I stood up silently and climbed back out of the window, closing it before dropping to the ground.

"Do you feel better?"

Alice walked around from the side of the house, her arms folded across her tiny body. I froze, my mouth dropped open and my breathing ceased. She stopped a few feet in front of me and looked up at my face impassively, just as she had the morning after the party when I'd mistakenly slammed her into the ground. She was still accepting my erratic and senseless actions without question.

I composed myself to a speaking level, not feeling any direct anger from her. "Not really." I answered. If I felt better I would have been able to stay there when she woke up, to feel the anger she would undoubtedly have once she got over the shock and started blaming me for the way her life had turned.

"Is this something you need? To spend time with her?" she asked then looked up at the second floor window I'd just come out of.

"I'd hardly class wallowing in guilt while trying to gather the courage to apologize as _spending time with her_. I need to tell her I'm sorry, but when she's unconscious I don't feel any better for it. You should see her, Alice. She's dropped five pounds, she looks like she's dead."

"I know." She sighed, again looking at the window with longing. Her best friend just meters away and she couldn't even talk to her. "Kate told me you'd be here," She looked back to my face for a moment then her gaze dropped to the ground. "She seems to think you _enjoy_ tormenting yourself with this. It's not healthy and it won't help you to keep punishing yourself for your mistakes when you can never take them back. I don't mean to make you feel worse but that's the truth. Maybe..." She looked up to my face again and shrugged a little. "Maybe you should just write her a letter and be done with this."

"Did you have a vision of—?"

"All of my opinions aren't based on my visions. I have been known to think for myself, occasionally." She muttered, a slight irritation came off her but she quickly brushed it off and left me feeling absolutely nothing from her.

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just wondering why you seem to be against me being here now. You knowingly allowed me to feel her pain, but don't want me to try and fix it?" I'd meant it more as an observation but it came out like a question. She was completely fine with showing me the problem but then just wanted me to leave it be.

"I just know it wouldn't be good if Edward came to check up on her and found your scent here. I don't want any more tension between the two of you." She exhaled softly, still not looking at me directly, and pursed her lips a little.

"If you don't want me to—"

"I don't mind so long as you don't hurt her." she whispered reluctantly.

I listened to her lie outrightly without even bothering to hide it. She obviously did mind but wouldn't say why and I already knew that it wasn't the possibility that Edward would check on Bella that was the reason.

"Alice, what's wrong? Yesterday when I came back you were just mad that I'd had the wrong response, now it's like you..." I didn't want to say _have given up_ but it was the likeliest reason for how she was acting now.

She continued staring at the ground as she responded. Another lie that she didn't even try to hide coming out of her mouth. "Nothing's wrong. Thing's have just been hard on everyone recently." She took a step back to the side of the house and motioned with her head for me to follow her. "C'mon. Before someone see us standing out here."

I watched her take another step away and felt no inclination to follow her for the first time in the decades we'd been together.

"Um, I think," I hesitated for a moment, thinking over the idea for a second time. Any other time, what I was about to say would have started either a massive fight or she would have simply refused it to me. But now, it would just go under the rug with everything else that was different these days. Everything we didn't discuss. Of that I was certain. "I think I'm just going to stay at the house here, until I figure this out. I'm just bringing everyone else down at the moment so..."

She stopped at the corner of the house and remained still there for a long minute, and then nodded. "Okay." She breathed below a whisper.

"Is that all right?" I felt compelled to at least know her opinion. Or maybe I just wanted to see if she'd lie again.

She did.

"It's fine." Alice choked out.

And then she was gone.

:-:-:-:

The next chapter's going to be at least two weeks away, I have other stories that _badly_ need my attention.

Thought's, wonderings, and what you recently ate are all thing's I like hearing about so let me know.


	7. Chapter 7 Screaming

7. Screaming

I SPENT THE MAJORITY OF THE DAY DEBATING WHAT TO DO THAT NIGHT.

I'd established some kind of pattern—albeit a self destructive one—of submerging myself in Bella's pain over the past two nights. Surprisingly, I found myself leaning towards the unconventional action as the beginning of some sort of structure to my scrambled life. Again, I walked the width of the living room and back again as the idea was debated in my head.

The furniture was still covered in dust sheets, reminiscent of an abandoned nineteen hundreds manor, and I had no plans to change that seeing as sitting still for more than two minutes at a time was currently impossible.

What was the point of abandoning my plan now? I'd already fucked up everything with my family. Not to mention whatever was going on with Alice that she didn't feel the need to share with me. Although it wasn't as if I was sharing every thought and secret of mine with her either.

Which was probably a bad thing come to think of it.

_Just get rid of the issue, pussy_. _My God, what happened to you?_ The monster was no longer ravenous and pressed against the barrier that contained it, it was sitting back against one of the rounded walls of its crypt with a disgusted expression. Rather than driving me into hunting mode, now it had become a judgemental entity. My conscience's evil counterpart.

_What conscience? You left a little bit of it in all those people you killed. You can bathe a feral dog and stick him in a collar with some generically _cute_ name attached but he's still going to shit on the rug and piss in your shoes. You can't change what you are on the inside, Jazzy... Fuck, I wish Maria could see you now. Even _precious Alice_ left you; she knows what you are so stop pretending you're capable of changing._

I roughly palmed my face and snarled.

Ripping my head off and escaping thought for however long it took for the pieces to pull back together was looking increasingly appealing.

_You want to kill me but you won't because that would be a form of _suicide. The monster laughed, running its blood-stained fingers through its tangled and dirty hair.

I couldn't decide if everything that it said was my mind actually telling me the truth or if it was just that particular insane portion taunting me with all my doubts and fears. Both seemed equally plausible at this moment.

_Confused? Me too. I've got absolutely no clue why you don't just do away with the... ant... and move on. I like the weird one with the dreads, he's realistic._

The thought of Laurent brought back our interrogation of a talk yesterday. Why he was so interested in Bella when he'd become Irina's mate, as well as taken up the vegetarian diet, I didn't know. It was possible that he was just naturally that strange but not probable, if he was then one of the others would have said something to inform Alice and I of that.

_You're all alone now, why don't we go and track down a certain little Mexican psychopath? At least Maria always loved you, for who you really are._

"She doesn't know _how_ to love anyone." I argued out loud before I could stop myself. This wasn't like a ghost, when you acknowledge its presence it doesn't go away, it just becomes even more fucking persistent.

I cinched my hands around my own neck and jerked up until I heard a crack, a jolt of pain rocketed down my spine and rendered my hands useless to exert further force. I crumpled to the floor now my spinal column was snapped and my brain was no longer connected to my body.

The recently sarcastic monster laughed loudly. _Good work, fuckwitt. You broke your own neck, too bad I'm still here, huh? Bet it hurts like a bitch._

I growled in both pain and frustration while I waited for my body to heal itself. The feeling in my extremities returned abruptly and with a snap my head straightened on my neck, but I remained on the floor thought sheer lack of desire to get up.

_Even _Little Miss Sunshine_ up there in Alaska would slap you now and she loves everyone._

I closed my eyes and pretended there was nothing there, nothing at all. I shut off all my senses and stopped every one of my twenty trains of thought.

_Too bad I'm not the obedient type_. The monster laughed darkly.

A growl rumbled in my chest. There was literally no way to escape. This was why people killed themselves over voices in their head; I could understand their reasoning now.

_Ever the emo._ The monster smirked and mimed slashing its wrists with a low grunting noise to accompany the action.

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the dust particles floating through the air above me, ignoring it when he started singing _I'm Henry the VIII_ like some fucked up Patrick Swayze homage.

:-:-:-:

It was raining by ten o'clock that night, not just sprinkling, it was pissing down to the point visibility was only around twelve feet.

_It's raaaaaining, it's pouuuuuuring, the tame vampire is borrrrrrring._ The monster sang childishly. Without any opportunities for hunting nearby it had turned quite taunting and juvenile._ C'mon, fucker, do something cool._ And had also started swearing like a New York taxi driver.

I screamed out with frustration and clawed at my face, squeezing my eyes shut so I wouldn't gouge them out in the process. Fifteen hours of solitude was grinding for anyone. When there's annoying voices in your head, it was enough to drive a man to lengths previously inconceivable.

_So you're actually considering anal?_ The monster cackled ridiculously.

My teeth smashed together and I fisted my hair tightly. I pulled harder and harder until my hands yanked away with a few hairs in each. I looked down at them, confused when they started jiggling then literally rose out of my hand and sought out their previous space on my head like magnets.

_I said cool, not weird and Harry Potter-esq. Wingardium Leviosa is sort of lame, man._

I paused in my maddened pacing and frowned deeply, confusion replaced all other emotions.

Before the psychotic _thing_ that existed only in my head could say another word I raced out of the house into the pelting rain where the sounds of splashing puddles drowned out 'most every other noise. It was cold, windy and above all it was wet. Everything out here was. This had to be a storm of some sort, not merely the usual rain that caused the blanket of water Forks woke up to pretty much every morning.

The river had swelled up and was now above the bedrock. It was loud here with the water crashing over the stones as it flowed down from the mountains and out to sea, passing through my backyard first.

I listened to the constant roar with unwavering vigilance. Without attention, the monster couldn't exist. Without me being all caught up in my far too spacious mind it couldn't manifest and I'd be able to regain even a hint of the sanity that had left me in the fateful moment that I lunged for Bella.

All I could do was pray that this wasn't some kind of falling tree in the forest sort of thing. How can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it? How can the monster exist if there's no one there to witness it?

It needed to _un_-exist and it needed to as soon as possible.

_Preferably_ immediately.

_Well I thought a little humor might be a nice change but if it's consistency you want... KILL! KILL! FUCK THE ASSHOLE OF HUMAN LIFE AND KILL!_ The monster shouted then jumped to its feet and started bashing on the plastic wall of the crypt insanely, laughing and shrieking at the top of its lungs.

My teeth clenched and I curled my hands into fists by my sides. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed as loud as I could.

Not in my head.

Out loud.

And then everything was quiet.

The river was still loud but everything else was silent.

_... Silent..._

My head was _silent_.

Suddenly it was like I was hit in the gut. I bent over, panting.

Whether it was the overwhelming feeling of anger, the sudden drop of an ending adrenaline rush that I may well have been on for the past twelve days, or the simple fact that the voice was finally gone.

I was now exhausted.

And shaking.

For a split second at the height of the relief, I could barely stand.

My mind was slowly coming back to me. I could actually feel it. The fibres were reconnecting. Everything that happened in the past fortnight was clear from behind the red haze of the bloodlust that had consumed me.

I thought back to the party. The second Bella sliced her finger—an accident—I'd been overridden by instinct. It hadn't been an _intentional_ play for her life on my part, and she hadn't _intentionally_ broken her skin. The whole thing was just one big accident that a third person blew completely out of proportion.

Had I have killed her that would have been a different story. But Edward had acted like I had, and unfortunately Bella was still alive while my brother started grieving. He'd moved on like she was dead, when she really needed him. Needed _us_.

She was still alive but forgotten and left like the dead.

Chances are no one even thought to explain to her what exactly had happened beyond the obvious.

Yes, there had been an accident. Yes, she had been in mortal danger. No, I hadn't _wanted _to kill her. And _no_, I didn't want her dead now.

In fact I very much wanted her alive.

Once again, I crawled out of my thoughts and focused back on reality. I was still standing outside by the river which had now grown further and was right over my shoes. Rain slammed down on my soaked clothes and ran down my body. All I could see was the white lines shooting down from the clouds above my head. They had obscured the forest completely and this far out into the yard I could _barely_ make out the house behind me.

All my attempts at righting my mistakes had crumbled... one way or another. Be it by Bella's scent, or her sadness, the sound of her heart or even my own cowardice. So now I'm standing here alone, in the rain, with no clue what to do next.

I could handle her scent now. Her sadness was tolerable when she was asleep and I could even take it away—when she wasn't conscious to notice. I couldn't bring myself to hurt her now so her heartbeat had become a good thing, signalling her life.

The only thing I had left to stop me was my own weakness.

A _weakness_ was overpowering all my strengths. The bloodlust, a weakness, had overpowered my resistance and control, and now it was happening again.

One last element of control was left to master, that being Kate's idea of _helping_ her rather than allowing myself to suffer with her.

Of course, that thought brought me back to the fact I was _here_, where I couldn't do anything, not _there_ actually making a difference. The entire reason I was here was to help myself and I couldn't do that standing in the middle of a constantly rising sludge pool.

If I was ever going to do it there was no time like the present. There weren't really any other options for time killers in a massive storm. Why not self improvement?

At least then it wouldn't all have been for nothing. My existence and Bella's life may just get back some semblance of normality to it if we could both move on. Edward wasn't going to see his mistake and come back. Hopefully, knowing it was all a complete accident would help her move on, and in turn allow me to do the same when she wasn't so obviously suffering anymore.

I turned back east and started jogging, picking up the speed with each step.

The rain seemed to be falling in slow motion around me, hitting my skin like tiny water bombs, combusting and splattering. My clothes were completely soaked through and water was spraying off around me with every movement.

The well run route took no time at all to pass though, and before I knew it I was standing in the familiar spot directly below her bedroom window staring up at the fogged glass.

Charlie's heartbeat was slow and even in the living room around the corner, telling me he was asleep in front of the softly chattering television.

With a firm kick I sprung up to the second floor and grabbed the wooden frame while I slid up the window itself. I climbed in for the second time and shut it behind myself.

The same scene as last night greeted me. Bella was asleep in her bed, safe and sound with the same level of mild pain still floating around her.

I took a few steps forward then paused when lightning flashed outside. She stayed asleep, not even flinching after months of rainy nights and storms here. A few more moments and I continued forward towards the spot beside her head where I had spent last night.

Thunder rumbled over the mountains.

I was five feet from the bed now, looking down at her face.

Closer the rolling echo came before tapering off.

Three feet. I stopped when her hand twitched.

And then, a loud crack of lightning came behind me. The sky lit up and Bella's eyes flew open.

I froze completely. My breathing stopped. I didn't even blink.

_It's just a dream, just a dream_... I willed her in my thoughts.

Her heart sped up and her eyes widened. The loud pounding from her chest took over the sounds of the storm outside.

_Just a dream_.

Thunder sounded right over us, followed almost instantly by a strike of lightning.

_Just—_

She sucked in a breath and the barest hint of a scream came from her throat before the synthesized lethargy hit her and she fell limp into the bed.

:*:*:*:

Fi—na—fucking—lly.

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